“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned,

worn or consumed.

Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with

love, grace, and gratitude.”

~Denis Waitley

 

 

The seemingly elusive concept of happiness and what isn’t attempted in order to attain it. Happiness really is a spiritual experience. It is all wrapped up in the choices made from moment to moment. It is seeing the gift in existence. It certainly doesn’t mean that everything is always flowing smoothly or that pain, hurt, anger or sadness doesn’t exist. It is being present in all of those moments and connected to what is being experienced.

 

I had a deep perception changing experience on Sunday. I performed a concert on Sunday with a cellist and a vocalist. The final piece on the program was the ever so brilliant Sonata for Piano and Cello in D Major Op.58 by Felix Mendelssohn. Just listening to a recording of that piece fills me with a variety of emotions. I was excited when my cellist chose it and she made reference to the “olympic” piano part. She wasn’t kidding. However, I was so passionate about the piece that it didn’t matter. As I was immersed in learning the piece and coming to a different awareness of how many notes would literally fly past my fingers (especially in the first and last movements), I started to wonder how in the world I would ever be able to successfully perform it. My inner saboteur was reminding me of all of the harsh, negative criticism I received in my many years of training and kept getting in my way. I maintained my personal reflections through journaling and did some deep healing. I had an incredible session with my Master Teacher, exploring the many aspects of performing.

 

We did work around the concept that performing isn’t about me and what I am or am not capable of. My piano performing is about what I allow through me to reach those who hear me play. It isn’t about perfection. It is about vulnerably playing what is in me and allowing others to hear what they will hear, including mistakes. It is allowing my hands to be the same healing channel that they are when I am doing energy work. It is allowing for spiritual grounding while I am at the piano. It is about faith and trust…in me, my preparation, my intention. All of this reminded me of what she said to me over a year ago before I left with our church choir to tour in Europe: the music in my heart is what heals.

 

The day of the concert, I was doing chores around the house, cleaning the floor by the philodendron from my Dad’s funeral service just over 17 years ago. As I was taking off a couple of yellow leaves, I saw that a large part of the plant had been uprooted and there was a significant amount of dead or dying vines. I was incredibly sad. I was talking to the plant as I was cutting off the dead stems, feeling disappointed that I had not noticed it earlier to save it. And yes, tears were shed. During the layout/meditation I did after I was done cleaning, I realized a much greater significance to the philodendron. To me, it represented a personal uprooting, getting rid of things that were dead or dying. It was the awareness that I need more room for my roots to expand and find nourishment. I can no longer be contained in a small ‘container’. I have a deeper connection to the support from the earth. Life continues to grow and expand, even though it looks different and much sparser than it did before.

 

As for the concert…what a gift! I experienced my natural response of excitement and nerves, typically in waves that would wash through my entire body. Before playing, I offered my own intention and invocation, inviting myself to surrender to the music as much as possible…especially in the presence of others. My performance of the Mendelssohn was far from flawless, but I have no regrets or apologies in regards to what I offered. I was able to stay present with the music and not the nerves…or the mistakes…or the fear of what people were thinking…or…I honored the fullness of what I was able to bring through me in that moment and celebrate the immense gift that I have been given. I allowed myself to feel the love, grace and gratitude of who I am and what is within me. I honor my spiritual connection and look forward to my second opportunity to perform the Mendelssohn this coming Sunday.

Posted in Allowing, Awareness, Love