Strong and Patient
I find that the closer I am to letting go, the more I resist. It is incredibly counterintuitive. I usually am not fully conscious of what it is I am letting go of, but I can tell when things are shifting. My resistance comes in the form of the less desirable dispositions…I’m edgy, defensive, snarky, low energy, impatient, grumbly…all in an effort to cover up the fear and discomfort. The fear resides in the fact that I’m not able to name what is going on. I can sense it internally, but it’s not like I’m able to say “I’m releasing the old story of thinking I can’t wear green” or whatever the case may be. If I could, it sure would offer a different space of peace and calm during the letting go process. But, alas…
This process is a reminder as to how much my body hangs onto and how powerful the subconscious is. I recently stepped into sharing something professionally that rippled into the personal aspect of a relationship. I did a lot of journaling around it to allow the full scope of emotions to move through and to allow myself to be present with the situation from many different angles. What I didn’t realize, though, was how deeply this ‘conflict’ was held in my body and the many levels that needed to be released. I had subconsciously held fear and tension around big events surrounding this decision. I was waiting to be “punished” in some way. I was stressed and exhausted. When all of the dots were connected, I was quite relieved.
Essentially, I had to be strong enough to let go of the professional/personal relationship. I am fairly certain there is still more work to do, untying the knots of enmeshment and collusion, but what has been revealed has been quite informative. I have to continually be strong enough to allow everything to unfold on its own without trying to control anything…and be patient enough to wait for what I deserve.
Fear has an amazing stronghold. When I find myself in a space of friction or contraction, fear is usually at the root.
Breathe.
Hold my hand to my heart and offer myself love and gentleness.
Breathe.
Love myself more than what anybody else could possibly offer me.
Breathe.
Trust that in time the discomfort will pass.
Breathe.
Love the other person beyond their words and actions.
Breathe.
Be patient.
Breathe.
Go within and be curious.
Breathe.
Love…
Love…
And love some more.
For what I deserve is mutuality…the sharing of a feeling, action or relationship between two or more parties…
Mutual love and respect.
Breathe.