Messages

 

“The good or bad is not in the circumstance,

but only in the mind of him that encounters it.

~James Allen

 

 

This is parallel with the adage, “Mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” When the mind is controlled by fear, all sorts of havoc can be encountered. There is worry about how someone perceives what is said, the reaction to follow and the behavior that follows after that. As I continue to explore the courage of speaking my needs and truths, I’m running into rough waters. I think Brené Brown sums it up beautifully when she says, “The process of struggling and navigating hurt after putting ourselves out there has as much to offer us as the process of being brave and showing up in the first place.”

 

I’m finding that it is enough of a challenge to be honest with myself in relation to stating my truth and my needs and honoring how I’m feeling without having to be concerned with someone else’s hurt that follows when the words are met with resistance or denial. I can justify the other person’s response until I’m blue in the face. It doesn’t matter, nor does it offer any healing for me. My justification of the other only dismisses my feelings, my integrity and my truth. The familiar tendency is to be concerned about everyone else rather than the impact on me personally.

 

When what I say is twisted, distorted or misunderstood, it can leave me feeling really disoriented and confused. More often than not, I am surprised when there is an intense adverse response. I put the Four Agreements into practice as intentionally as I can. I know to be impeccable with my word. I am conscious about what I say and how I say it. I also practice not taking things personally…which, in scenarios like this, is more of a challenge. This is one area of my growth that has been highlighted lately. I cannot control the response of the other person. I can, however, honor the hurt I feel because of it. It’s not about owning the response or being a victim. It is about the truth of the impact the unfolding had on me. There is hurt, anger and sadness…all blurred and mixed together like a messy finger painting.

 

There is a fear of rejection at play within all of this. A shift in awareness as to whether or not I was ever accepted for who I am and what I bring into the friendship. What attachment is at play? What shadow archetype is coming to the surface to manipulate and distort reality? There’s a soul searching as to the foundation that exists…what is the relationship really based on? Is it rooted in authentic connection? Is there an honest space of willingness to see faults and accept them? Is there a willingness to receive the love being offered? Am I prioritizing someone else’s needs over my own? Where is my authentic connection with me in all of this? What about my willingness to receive my own gentleness and love?

 

This is my opportunity to put my needs first, lean into my feelings around the situation, and be gentle and compassionate towards myself. Someone else’s resistance or rejection is not a personal loss…it is a personal gain. I found strength. I found courage. I found my voice. I know in my heart that I honored my integrity and chose to give voice to it. And I will continue to do so. I will continue to put myself out there…courageously, whole-heartedly and with the intention of true belonging.

 

I deserve it.

 

I choose me.