Heartbreak

 

Let heartbreak be the initiation into the divine halls within you.

~Susan Frybort

Open Passages: Doors and Windows to the Soul

 

 

This must be the explanation for what I’m feeling. The sadness can be so big sometimes…yet unnamable. Or maybe it is my fear of seeing what is behind all of the sadness. All I know is that things cannot stay the same. It’s not working. I’m feeling suffocated and not quite sure how to move through it. I’m certainly leaning into it with all that I have…which means that it comes down to patience…Divine timing…

 

It certainly makes sense that this deep level of sadness needs to be healed and released to more fully step into the “divine halls” within me. One really can’t see their own divinity if it is shrouded in sadness. The anger guarding the sadness has passed, revealing more of the true depths of the sadness that exist. There are days when the sadness is nauseating.

 

It amazes me that this sadness is so deep, having been carried for much of my life. I never realized how often I looked the other way, ignoring those feelings. I find great joy in my work, both in the healing and in the piano playing, for I am in pure alignment with the light within me. My personal time leaves me longing for solitude and seeking wisdom to guide my healing. I have added more intentional devotional time in the morning. Even the brief 5-10 minutes makes a difference. I journal more, praying that my pen will reveal what is in my heart. And it does. Yet the wisdom of my body knows that I can only be with so much at a time. This is part of the realization of the divinity within…trusting the process…trusting my body…trusting the guidance…trusting the wisdom within and around…

 

Trust. This is a recurring theme in my writing. It seems as though it is time to be reminded of a quote by Brené Brown:

 

“Trust is a product of vulnerability that grows over time

and requires work,

attention,

and full engagement.”

 

But what about all of those times when trust was abused? All of the pain that ensued? All of the sadness?

 

Yes, I know. Forgiveness…releasing the hope that the past can be anything other than what it was. It’s so scary to step into it all over again. It sometimes feels like I’m feeding myself to hungry wolves whose concern is only themselves…not the living being in front of them.

 

This is sort of going all over the place, but that is where things are for me. The intensity of the emotion as I’m writing this is a lot to stay with. It’s enough for me to allow it to come into words and it takes vulnerability to put this “out there” for others to read.

 

I am blessed with two professions that allow me to bask and be present in my gift and my light. My intention is to continue to trust in that alignment and know that it can exist as a natural state of being when I am not engaged in my professional life. I am opening the gates to the divine halls within and allowing the heartbreak and sadness to clear the path. Divine seeing…seeing with eyes of love…the path is always offered before me.

 

I am honoring my process and following the guidance that there are many who need to read these words to give support to their own process. We all walk together…in love and support.