Discover

You’ve got to know yourself.

You’ve got to know what ignites your magic,

what fires your soul into performing majestic acts of love.

You’ve got to know yourself so much that not even a hundred voices will drown yours.

You’ve got to own yourself: this journey is all yours.

All yours.

No one can do it and

You decide whenever you are ready to embark on it.

Unlearn,

learn,

master yourself and

love yourself

or else they will define you and that’s a poisonous kind of life.

That’s death.

~Ijeoma Umebinyuo

Spiritual courage is different.

It is following the deepest desires of our hearts

at the risk of losing fame and popularity.

~Henri Nouwen

 

 

I feel the need to give insight into the picture chosen to go with this blog. The beautiful, bold colored flower is in a field of wheat. I have a sensitivity to wheat and gluten. I get an unhappy tummy when I eat it. I sometimes feel like that flower in the wheat field. I can see my beauty and my courage to grow in a place that doesn’t always feel “good” to me yet I continue to thrive. It doesn’t mean that I always feel like I’m in a space that doesn’t feel “good”, it simply means that when I face that scenario, I am called to continue to grow and to let my beauty be seen.

 

I know myself. I know what ignites my magic and fires my soul. I know the deepest desire of my heart. What I find myself struggling with is letting others know. Letting others see what ignites my magic. Letting others experience what fires my soul. Letting others bear witness to the deepest desire of my heart. I don’t always trust in my strength and courage to allow for these experiences to happen. I don’t believe that others will want to maintain the relationship they have with me because they either don’t understand or it is too much energy…power, if you will…to be around. The spiritual courage isn’t so much about the popularity as it is trusting that others will continue to accept me as I follow the deepest desires of my heart. I have come so far on my journey. There’s no chance that I’m giving it up because someone else is afraid of change or who I am.

 

The other challenge I face with all of this is consistently believing in the expansive, ever deepening magnitude of who I am. It overwhelms me and invigorates me all at the same time. The idea of slowing down long enough to take in the enormity of me sounds exhilarating yet scary. I am quick to breeze by the big nuggets, which often come as such matter of fact, natural conversation pieces. Although they are facts, they are hardly natural conversation pieces for many people. It has been my experience that when I choose to be brave enough to open up about my process and things that are going on for me, I either get a blank stare with no comment, a short dead space with a quick change of subject, a charged defensive statement in response or completely walking away. It’s less common to find the space with another person that I can honestly and vulnerably share what I am going through. I am blessed with my “wonder women” with whom I can share my journey and I am deeply grateful.  There is the element of continually finding the courage to step into sharing, but that consistent vulnerability is still somewhat of a challenge. I know to hold space for allowing it to be different, but it can take some real strength to open myself up to rejection (ego’s tinted response instead of the heart-centered space of opening myself up to acceptance…always interesting to notice).

 

My dream life has been increasingly charged and informative. I am still allowing for the dots to connect from last night. I had an intense dream with pertinent, important information. However, when I woke up, I didn’t remember it. Then I looked out the window at one point this morning and a vision flashed before me and I ‘knew’ immediately it was from my dream. But as quickly as it came, it went away…and I’m still missing the clarity of the vision. I know it will come when it is meant to come. But this is an example of the power that has been stirring within me. I’m tapping into information beyond me and within me. It’s amazing. Simply typing that created a fear response in me at my neck. It was a sharp pain (that now still has an ache to it) trying to close off. The dichotomy of these experiences continually amazes me. It is the reminder that my human self and spiritual self need to co-exist in fluid harmony…the ultimate yin-yang. The mantra I repeated during my entire six mile run yesterday was:

 

I choose to be in alignment with my physical body and with my spirit.

 

It’s still a bit of a challenge to let it sit peacefully within me. It’s not that I don’t want that fluidity and connection. It’s the realization that I haven’t been allowing the two to peacefully co-exist and be in harmony with one another.

 

It’s an amazing process of expansion and contraction. Ebb and flow. Dissonance and resolution.  All as it is meant to be.