What Matters

“Be brave enough to start a conversation that matters.”

~Margaret Wheatley

Why do I find this to be such a challenge? I struggle with this is many areas of my life…with my spouse, my Self, my family, my friends…Light-hearted conversations are enjoyable and easy, bringing laughter, smiles and comfort. Maybe someday, conversations that matter will bring the same.

Interestingly enough, I listed my struggle areas in order of the highest to lowest vulnerability factor. Therefore, I’m going to start in the opposite order to ease myself into the challenge.

I have a handful of friends that I feel safe enough to dive into the conversations that matter. I can open up to the truth of what is going on and don’t feel that I have to sugar-coat life. Even still, I find that I will still use the filter and not always disclose all of what is weighing on my heart and mind. Sometimes it comes down to me not being able to fully articulate what is going on so I get intimidated by doing the external verbal processing in the presence of another person. Then there are the times that I truly worry about how it will be received and what will be said. It has nothing to do with the company I’m in, simply my own fear of how my journey will be perceived by someone else. If I need to get stuff off my chest to simply lighten the load, I don’t want it to be perceived that I’m negative or unhappy or complaining. I simply need to air my dirty laundry. I do trust my close friends…it seems to be a matter of me trusting myself. There is always that fear of ‘falling apart’ in front of someone else…not that they couldn’t handle it, but because I would be afraid that I couldn’t and then let the internal mental ruminating begin…

As for my family, it comes down to the vulnerability of being more present with them on a regular basis. Every year I commit to being more communicative with them and reaching out to them more often…yet I continually fall short. There’s no bad blood or any tension there, simply lack of action on my part. Since I already struggle with talking to them on a regular basis, having the conversations that matter are even tougher. I also have an interesting resistance to talking on the phone…which is based in fear. I am unable to see the other person so I have no idea if they are rolling their eyes at something I said, mouthing comments to whomever is near them, multi-tasking and not really hearing me in the first place or simply expressing disinterest in the fact that I’m on the other end. With that anxiety in place, having conversations that matter with family (since they all live out of town) is really challenging for me. I need to move beyond my irrational fears and self-judgment and step into it. I also fear that what matters to me won’t matter to them and there will be a lack of engagement. To top it off, I have the far left of mainstream career. Between the energy work with crystals and the entire piano aspect (teaching, performing, etc.), my path isn’t typical. Not that I want it to be typical, but my passions aren’t always easy to wrap your head around. I hear the excuses mounting as I’m typing, but this is where I am and what I’m facing. I also don’t want anyone in my family to worry about me. I don’t want to be surrounded in worry. I want to be surrounded in love and support, both of which I know are eternally abundant in my family. But again, this is my journey of building a deeper connection with my family…which has to continue within me with my Self.

Speaking of my Self, I sometimes feel like the little girl in the picture with her hands over her ears. I don’t intentionally mean to not listen to the quiet voice within, it just sometimes happens, especially when I feel overwhelmed or scared. And let me tell you, those little pangs of being overwhelmed can be very subtle and sneaky. I don’t always catch when I’m overwhelmed…until it continues to mount and then steamroll over me. UGH! I can have really incredible moments of clarity and then turn around the next day and feel like someone just shook me and cleared me like an Etch-a-Sketch. For example, I was journaling the other day and came to a point where I felt a deep connection to Spirit. I felt supported and truly like a channel. I didn’t have any sense of being overwhelmed by the responsibility of the connection for I knew I didn’t need to ‘know’ what to do, but to simply be present and allow Spirit to move through me. It was absolutely beautiful. The next day, I go for run #3 in my new shoes and experience a ton of pain because the top back of my shoe tore into my heel, leaving it a bloody mess. It hurt so badly that I actually stopped and walked…which almost brought more attention to the pain. I was beside myself! I’m thinking, “I buy new shoes to support my body and lessen the impact on my joints, I run to stay physically healthy and be immersed in Nature, I honor the needs of my body and rest when it needs to…and this is what happens?!?!?”  So I’m somewhat shoved into the conversation that matters with my Self. (It seems like a shove, but in reality, it is what I would otherwise call a universal love nudge.) Mike offers me some tips for what he does with his shoes, even providing me with the moleskin he was talking about and helps me get my shoes prepared. I decide to go out today after two days of no running, have the moleskin on the back heel area of my shoes, a blister band-aid to protect my still-healing wound…and end up with another bloody heel…the same one. Seriously. I can’t make this stuff up. So NOW I really decide to have the conversation that matters because I refuse to be defeated by a pair of shoes. I go to my Louise Hay “Heal Your Body” book and look up heel (feet) and blisters. Here’s what I learned: feet represent our understanding of ourselves, of life and of others and blisters represent resistance and lack of emotional protection. I have some ‘conversations’ to engage in with my Self and gain some understanding about what is going on beneath the surface.

Trusting that I have the bravery and courage to have deep conversations about my personal journey with my spouse can be intimidating. Not because I don’t trust Mike or fear that he doesn’t love me, but because it is sometimes really raw and vulnerable for me. Every reason listed above in every other area of my life is present in this situation. The fear of rejection or misunderstanding soars exponentially, simply because I know that my desire is to share as much of my journey with him as possible. I would love to be able to include him as fully as possible so he has a deeper understanding of who I am, thus allowing for an even deeper, more intimate connection. I am grateful for our strong love foundation and for all that we have shared and experienced together thus far. It is a blessing that I never imagined I would experience, especially after my first failed marriage. My ultimate bravery comes in the form of trusting and allowing all to unfold without any expectation or pressure for it to be different than what it is in this exact moment. The conversations will happen if and when they are meant to happen. In Divine Time. With Divine Discernment and Wisdom. Ego can step aside and allow my heart to lead. I don’t have to be perfect. I need to trust that when I am less than on top of my game with ego at the helm (think…snarkier, less patient, bossier, more stubborn…) that I’m not ‘less than’ for Mike. It is part of my personal growth journey with lessons waiting to be understood. The pieces of the puzzle really do fit together.

Even with the roller coaster of my personal journey, with all of the stumbles and murky moments along the way, I know that I have been blessed with an incredible gift in my relationship with Mike…and with my Self…and my family…and my friends. The intention remains pure and from the heart. I will continue to be brave to start the conversations that matter.

I will be one of the two little girls in the picture…will you take my hand and walk with me?