Vows

Essentially, what I’m talking about…owning one’s life,

for better and for worse,

saying out loud,

“This is who I am,

this is who I’m not,

this is what I want,

this is what I’m leaving behind.”

~Shauna Niequist

From Present-Over-Perfect

 

 

I devoured this book in one day. I can assure you that it will not be the last time I read this book, either. I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to savor a life of connection, both interpersonally as well as spiritually, instead of rushing from one thing to the next and letting the addiction to ‘proving’ control life. This is an incredibly accessible, authentic and invaluable read.

 

One of the things about the above quote that still really strikes me (beyond the powerful message) is the use of “and”…for better AND for worse. It’s not one or the other; it’s both. We get to own ALL aspects of our life as uniquely our own. Each aspect is a key factor in who we are and the choices we make.

 

I am continually forging a clearer path of “this is who I am”, primarily in my personal relationships. I so often find myself in social settings biting my tongue instead of saying something that might encourage someone to look at me quizzically (which, of course, is like offering a grand feast for the monkey chatter in my head!). The strong fear of rejection can sometimes be paralyzing. I like to believe that I will be respected for who I am, regardless of my beliefs, but that’s not always easy to do. I also find difficulty embracing “this is who I am” when I am with my relatives. My family pretty much gets me, maybe not the full extent of what I do with the energy work and crystals, but they accept that it is who I am. I may not easily talk about what I do, but there is no fear of acceptance. However, it seems trickier when it stretches beyond my immediate family. My fear of being seen for who I am kicks in and I shy away from all sorts of conversation. I even struggle to maintain small talk because even small talk could skim the surface of what I do…ahhhh! It’s all about practice and repetition. The more I allow others to see who I am, the easier it will be for me to go to that space when I am with my more intimate circle of family.

 

Surprisingly enough, even the “this is who I am not” can be challenging. It is difficult to allow areas of my life to shift or fall away as I embrace who I am. This means friendships, career paths, social events or whatever other ways that don’t “fit” who I am. Sometimes it is such a familiar pattern or routine that choosing to do something different feels really strange and almost naughty, like no one else should know that I chose to stop eating cheese on Fridays (just a random, weird example…really). When in reality, it doesn’t matter if people agree or disagree with my choice to separate myself from what I am not. It takes courage and vulnerability to be comfortable making choices that are really in alignment with me. I faced that quite a bit when I made the decision that theater work is no longer something that interests me. I have different things I would prefer to do that embrace my passions and my talents in ways that the theater experience no longer does. At one point in time, that was different. It’s not to say that an opportunity couldn’t come up that would stoke the fire, but for now, it’s not part of my world or who I am. And I’m content with that.

 

The area of “this is what I want” is definitely one that needs more strengthening. I still struggle with it feeling selfish to articulate what I want. I realize that it is of deep necessity to have needs and to have them met, but it still feels grossly awkward to admit it out loud. I can mutter about it in my head, play the victim card, be passive aggressive and even pouty like the little kid having a tantrum and still fight saying anything out loud. Again, the fear of judgment and rejection are behind all of that. Knowledge is power so I have a leg up on that arena. Baby steps…gentleness…compassion…I listen within and hear the wants, but giving voice to them is a different ball game. All in divine time…

 

I know I will revisit these areas over and over again, merely because it is a healthy barometer of checking in to see that I am the one maintaining the power to create the passion-filled life I want…and deserve.