The blur of the days and the fog of direction are really adding up. At least for me.
Although I'm doing many of the same things I would do every week, the different feel of it is taking its toll.
I miss seeing my clients in person.
I miss the laughter and connection.
I miss the inspiration my clients naturally share with me.
I miss sharing meals with friends.
I miss the anticipation and energy of live theater and concerts.
I miss the sense of freedom in taking a quick run to the store.
I miss hearing updates on life outside of coronavirus.
I know life has shifted to allow for virtual living, but it's not the same.
I want desperately to connect with others, though finding the motivation to connect feels onerous.
Words hardly suffice for the strange hollowness that creeps in.
It's interesting to be aware of it all, too. There are days where motivation and inspiration are high and things feel like they haven't changed. There's hope in the wings for what is to come. I feel grounded and ready to face anything. There is willingness and flexibility...and dare I say...surrender...around what will unfold in my day.
The rollercoaster ride seems to be picking up speed...the inspired moments and the dips.
The ease of being gentle vs. the push to get things done.
The peace of quietude vs. the guilt of inactivity.
The calm acceptance vs. the fear of stable income.
The ability to be present with my emotions vs. shoving them away because they feel too raw.
The natural inspiration vs. the adult tantrum of "I don't wanna."
And in the midst of it all, time passes, and the day comes to a close.
My journal entries vary along with the rollercoaster. There are days where I can explore how I'm feeling and allow the raw honesty to be present and then days where I'm begging for help to go within and touch the emotions. Sometimes I'm pleading for understanding as to what I'm "supposed" to be doing; where do I need to be focusing my energy, what is my purpose. Then there are days that I ache for a sense of greater understanding, knowing I'm supported. Seeking guidance. Seeking vision. Seeking hope.
What are you doing to keep your flame lit?
What are you doing to honor your body's need for rest and quiet?
How are you facing the emotional rollercoaster?
In light, love, and peace
Be Thou My Vision arr. Melody Bober