Breaking Out

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

~Kahlil Gibran

 

I certainly do wish there was another way to get to the understanding. The onslaught of questions and uncertainties can really throw me for a loop, flip me upside down and inside out and leave me flat on my back. This often coincides with a lack of patience and jumping into the “do-er” role, neither of which help the situation…at all.

There have been a series of events that have taken place that I thought I had processed and moved through but apparently didn’t feel all of the juicy emotions that go along with them because they all came to the surface Monday…all together…as one strong “you’ve-been-ignoring-me-and-that-won’t-work” message. Understood.

My pain tends to come in the form of questions; questions that rattle endlessly in my head with the force and impatience of an F5 tornado. What am I missing? What am I resisting? What do I need to do differently? Am I really the person for this? How is this going to work? Will I ever get through this? When will the shift happen? What else am I supposed to do? What am I not seeing? Who am I not asking for help? Am I not investing enough…of me…time…money…creativity? Who do I go to for help? Who do I go to for support? Who will understand me? Who will understand the situation? Who will be free of judgment to hear me and walk with me? How do I find balance in this moment of turmoil? Who will hear ME and not get defensive…or shift the focus to themselves…or tune me out? Who will respect my struggle? Who will honor my journey? Who will see me for who I am? Do I really have what it takes? What if I’m totally off the mark?

This is just a sampling of what happens before the moment of clarity and understanding…of re-balancing and grounding…of trusting the support of All That Is…of releasing the fear…of owning my power and truth…of standing in my light.

From this point of inner chaos, I journal, ask for spiritual help and quiet myself through breath as much as I can for as long as my schedule will allow. The healing tends to come in a variety of ways through a variety of sources. Yesterday, the healing breakthrough happened while playing piano duets and finding sheer joy and delight in the creativity of the composer. This morning, when I found myself still a little raw and impatient, the healing happened through Wolfgang, my lab who is constantly overflowing with love. I was set to do yoga and Wolfgang simply couldn’t get enough “kisses” in…my face, my neck, my arms…pawing at my arms to play and pet him…bringing me toys…and I couldn’t help but laugh and take it all in. I’m still working through the events and thoughts that catapulted me into the ego space, but I have found peace and stopped resisting.

I am emerging. Ego put up one hell of a fight…again. But, alas, love wins.

This is very symbolic of what I look and feel like in this process…