You’re Not Alone

Empathy has no script.

There is no right way or wrong way to do it.

It’s simply listening,

holding space,

withholding judgment,

emotionally connecting,

and communicating that incredibly healing message of

“You’re not alone.”

~Brené Brown

It’s always interesting to notice how challenging it can be for people to show empathy to another person. It is such a strong, love-based connection yet it requires vulnerability and willingness to be present without trying to make the situation something other than what it is. Really being present with another person who is struggling invites you to put aside your own discomfort and open your heart. It’s not about offering comments of everything being ok or happening for a reason to assuage your own worry and doubt as to the “right” thing to say. Beautiful phrases of allowing include: “I hear you. I’m with you. You’re not alone.” Empathy isn’t about ‘fixing’ the situation for fixing is an ego driven response. Fixing encourages trying to control the situation: the emotions, the discomfort, and even the lesson. Empathy is truly walking with another individual and being present to them and their pain.

Keeping an open heart in the midst of someone else’s struggle can be quite a challenge, especially if their struggle hits close to home. I had an interesting awareness around this idea just the other night when I was journaling…which initially had NOTHING to do with this idea, but unfolded exactly as it was meant to. Although my general ability is to hold space and offer empathy, I sometimes find it challenging with Mike. This isn’t because I’m not empathetic towards him, though. I’ve realized that I tiptoe around his “struggle space” because of one of the pervasive tendencies of my dad. My dad could have a short fuse. (For clarification, no abuse was ever involved). We never knew when or what would set my dad off. Sometimes the trigger was the three of us (my brother, sister and myself) being too noisy or bickering with each other. Sometimes it was the project he was working on and he may have been interrupted at just the “right” time when things weren’t going well. Because he was difficult to predict, I tended to be on my best behavior as often as possible. Once I knew he was upset, I never really knew how to act or respond; therefore, I responded in fear. I kept my mouth closed, avoided him or at least talking to him (for fear of upsetting him more) and/or kept my distance. I certainly didn’t know how to keep an open heart around him in his space of struggle. I didn’t know how to distance myself while keeping an open heart. I was unsure of how to be so I pulled into a safe little shell. I realized while I was journaling the other night how much of an impact that has really had on me. I began to see how I let someone else’s mood determine how I should act. No being light-hearted if someone is in a bad mood. Why? Why do I have to surrender my joy because of someone else’s struggle? No laughter or kidding around if someone is in a bad mood. Why? What if it makes them angrier? No removing myself completely from the situation. Why? What if they think I don’t care? It was such an incredible moment of awareness. I know I have more to let go around this, but it is truly such a gift to see how I was limiting myself and giving away my power…mostly because of fear and not understanding how to be with someone open-heartedly in their pain/struggle/frustration/etc.  However, I’m very good at sitting in silence in absolute doubt, fear and worry. I’ve got that one down pat! Now it’s time for me to take what I do instinctively with my students and my clients and apply it to my personal life.

The other angle of empathy that needs to be addressed is the willingness to offer empathy to myself. Can I sit with myself in my space of struggle? Am I able to quiet the chaos in my head long enough for me to listen to what is really hurting? Am I able to hold space for myself, allowing myself to be in the discomfort without pressuring myself to make it something different than what it is? Can I truly withhold judgment from myself? I’ve been attempting that one for many years…the voice may be softer than it was before, but it still exists. Am I able to emotionally connect to myself? Can I take the time to stop the swirling long enough to articulate how I feel? Sad, mad, glad, hurt, ashamed, afraid. Will I allow myself to feel the depth of these emotions and honor what my body and feelings are trying to tell me? Am I able to tell myself that I’m not alone? Can I ask for help? Am I able to reach out and allow them to see me in my weakness? Do I trust that anyone will hear me? Do I allow fear, doubt and worry to consume my needs instead of honoring what is needed in the moment?

I have come to such an incredible place of beauty and awareness around empathy. It is a gift that is not easily (or in some cases…at all) offered by all people. It takes raw, open-hearted vulnerability to offer empathy to someone else and it takes raw, open-hearted vulnerability to receive it. That’s why it results in such an amazing depth of connection with another person. It is soul to soul communication. It is acceptance in such a pure form. It is a skill that would benefit all of us to develop.