What’s Up?

You do not need to know precisely what is happening or where it is all going.

What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment,

and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.

~Thomas Merton

Sometimes it really would be nice to know what it happening or where everything is going. I can attest to being aware of the possibilities and challenges and the need to embrace them, but there are days where the courage, in particular, seems to be hiding. Where is this all going? When will things shift? And with these two questions comes the ever recurring theme of patience.

My personal work has opened the door to some deep healing. As is often the case, I am revisiting what I have explored before, but this time with greater depth. I still don’t fully understand where everything is going and how it could possibly be that there is still MORE to reveal and heal…but there is. Between my body, my meditations and my journaling, I know that I am ever closer to releasing this. As I continually go deeper into my work, my body often meets it with resistance. I feel the tension and desire to clam up and hide, just as I did when I was a little girl. My key areas of tightness include my hips/low back and my neck, which are all connected to moving forward, receiving support and allowing Divine will to be my guide.

My mind knows that the past I’m working with and healing can no longer hurt me, but the scared little girl who experienced the fear needs gentleness and compassion. I can’t force the healing. I can’t wave my magic wand and make it all go away. I have passionate intention to move beyond and release the fear but I know it takes time…along with courage, faith and hope.

I really carried so much fear around being. Sure, it was mixed with worthiness, acceptance and enough-ness, but the core of it was simply being me. I lived (sometimes I still do) in a state of wondering how in the world I fit in. It was a constant state of curiosity. I feel like I lived much of my life as an observer, keeping mental notes of how people acted and what they said and how that would affect me if I chose to be me. I spent time noticing how people responded to each other and wondering if they were really paying attention to each other. I’ve been doing this for as long as I can remember. It wasn’t taxing or a burden, just simply the way I was. I kept to myself, didn’t have a lot of friends, didn’t talk much…I observed. I noticed how kids in my class would treat others. I was always a bit of a chameleon. I blended in very nicely. I got along with the “in” group, though I wasn’t “in” enough to hang with them. I got along with the geeks, but didn’t hang with them either. I got along with the “druggies” and let them do their thing without me. I simply didn’t resonate with many other people. I eventually got to a space in college where things shifted and I started to wonder what it was about me that made me “different”. The mindset shifted more into low self-esteem, opening a completely different arena…which is another blog in and of itself!

Going back to the observer idea…this was a very safe space I created for myself to not have to feel much of anything. I didn’t allow myself to go there because if I felt something, it might just show on the outside, which might draw attention to me, which would scare the daylights out of me…to be seen and heard. I taught myself that being an invisible occupant was better than creating a tirade or catastrophic response in someone else. This was ok as long as I was by myself…not so ok if I was alone with another person. If it was just me and another person, it was not uncommon for my body and muscles to tense up and become very rigid, as though I was willing myself to tighten up enough to “poof”…disappear. Interestingly enough, this is still something I work through now, depending on the situation. I still tend to be the observer rather than the participant on many occasions. It feels safer yet deeply unfulfilling and disconnected. I will engage enough to not draw attention to myself for not engaging. This is obviously where courage, faith and hope come into play, with the intention of strengthening them.

There seems to be a beautiful mystery that exists within me. I’ve tapped into it and experience it with greater regularity; however, there is much more to be revealed. I am merely at the cusp of this experience. But before all of this happens, I need to heal the fear inside of me…the fear of who I am…the magnificence, the love, the power. The fear of the magnitude of me. This feels somewhat esoteric as I’m still really trying to grasp what it is that has been stirred and awakened. It is different than anything I’ve ever experienced…in a beautiful way. This must be what the earth feels like when the flowers are starting to grow and expand, getting ready to break through the earth’s surface and be seen…