To-Do List

Confront your fears,

list them,

get to know them,

and only then will you be able to put them aside

and move ahead.

~Jerry Gillies

 

 

What a seemingly daunting task, especially when the fears are directly connected to self-judgment and beliefs that have been held for far too long. My current space of reflection and healing is related to close friendships…those friends that know the most about me, my struggles, my dreams, and my quirks and still are brave enough to call me ‘friend’. This started with one situation in particular, but it opened the door to reflecting on my close circle and where my fears get in the way.

 

I have deep-seated fears about my enough-ness and what I bring to a friendship. Am I too needy? Do I vent too much? Do I remember important events for friends and check in with them? Do I ‘hog’ our time together? Did I say something insensitive or offensive? Am I supportive enough? Am I too sensitive to what they say and take things too personally? I even mix in some of my food/weight past and worry about how much or how fast I am eating or drinking. I worry about being befriended out of pity. I even wonder if I’m telling them too much about stuff they don’t want to hear about.

 

I am blessed with an incredible tribe of women in my life and it seems almost insulting to even have these fears…yet here I sit. When I receive a gift out of the blue from a friend, it’s easy for me to feel guilty because I can’t remember if or when the last time was that I was thoughtful and did something “just because”. When I am offered a more substantial gift, I am ashamed that I don’t have the ability to do the same. When something intended as completely innocent is met with adversity, I wonder what I did or said that triggered that response. When a decision I make is not necessarily in agreement with the expected response, I fear how long that will be remembered and held against me. Now mind you, there is NOTHING about any of my friends that would even come close to justifying any of my fears. It is simply where my self-esteem sits.

 

There are so many instances in my professional world that would parallel these experiences yet I NEVER go into the space of questioning myself. When I am teaching a piano lesson, I never wonder if what I’m telling them is anything but what they need to hear. If it brings tears, I don’t take it personally. If the student gets annoyed with me, it doesn’t eat at me and I don’t lose sleep over it. The same holds true when I do my healing work. There is never a doubt that I am offering exactly what needs to be offered to each individual. I don’t question the crystals or the techniques used nor do I question the unfolding of the healing dialogue. The key difference is the intimacy and vulnerability I share with my friends that is not “at risk” when I’m working. Oh, how I wish the confidence would spill over into my personal world!

 

I believe this is intertwined with my introvert/extrovert balance. When I am with my friends, I laugh, I cry, I’m funny, I’m sensitive, I actively partake in conversation and I deeply enjoy being with them. Yet there are times when all of that is more surface level because I am in my head. It can be infuriating because the self-judgment prevents me from fully being present in the company of someone who cares about me. I find myself not sharing as much, not being as engaged, laughing from a shallower place and wondering what time it is…seriously. Then there are times where I simply want to stay protected in the comfort of my home. I don’t want to have to put myself ‘out there’ and face my low self-esteem issues. Granted, there are times that I love being at home for the sake of being at home and savoring my existence in my cozy haven. But there are definitely times that I turn down an invitation to go somewhere or join others because of the Herculean effort it would take to allow myself to simply be without any judgment.

 

If I were to list my fears, the first, and biggest, would be my fear of rejection. The notion of not being accepted for who I am and what I bring to the table can be intensely intimidating. I love and accept who I am conditionally. My heartfelt intention is to be able to see the light of my shadow and live more deeply and consistently in my heart center…towards myself…and everything else will flow outward very naturally. Thus, my sacred struggle…