Have you noticed how lacking clarity is clarity itself?
How, if you aren’t sure about something, that alone, has meaning?
Honor uncertainty. It’s the womb from which all-knowingness comes.
a.k.a. Mike Dooley
WOW! If this doesn’t ring true for me right now, I have no idea how else to even attempt to express what is going on within me and on my journey. It’s like I’m existing in this odd little chasm of not quite being connected and yet not quite being disconnected. I’m taking part in my day, yet it sort of feels like it’s going on without me. I’ll see if I am able to bring some sense of coherency to this, for me and you.
Part of what I’m going through is this sense that I’m missing something, either forgetting something or needing something that I don’t have…or maybe I’m not doing. There’s a fairly continual state of an awareness of something going on that I’m to be part of (aside of the coffee date with a dear friend that I wrote down incorrectly on my calendar and then promptly MISSED!) that is simply not in my awareness. I’d love to play the “it’s because I’m surrendering and totally in the moment” card, but I would call my own bluff on that one!
The thing I always find so interesting in times like this is how I will tiptoe around some of the activities that I KNOW would bring peace and guidance…crystal layouts with a meditation, deeper journaling (aside of the surface level stuff I’ve been doing), more time at the piano and more time in nature. The last one is easiest enough to understand…it’s rather tricky to enjoy time in Mother Nature when she keeps crying all the time! Hmmm…that might just be a hint for me. Maybe there is some deeper healing ready to take place and I’m letting the ‘clouds’ veil my own light. It seems there is also a hint from Mother Nature that I am to allow this all to take its time and be what it most needs to be. It may not be the easiest for me, but sometimes what I most need to do is nothing.
I would say that there are emotions that I’m not willing to fully experience, either. Things are shifting beautifully in all areas of my life and I’m not honoring all aspects of it. For one area to develop, another one needs to reduce. I realized this morning (catching up over a phone call instead of in person over a cup of coffee!) that there is some sadness in the realization of some of the shifting. A part of me that has been known and respected by many for over 20 years is no longer the defining element in my world. It’s not to say that it’s gone forever, but it is not the sole crux of who I am. I am expanding and clearing pathways that had been previously cluttered. My “me” is now far more inclusive than it ever was…and I’m loving it all! However, there is an element of grief…saying goodbye to the once held narrow vision of myself. It is the “me” that I had gotten really comfortable and familiar with. I’m still that “me”, but brighter, bolder, more courageous, more all-encompassing…more me. I’m simply not as familiar with that “me” yet. It’s probably because the noise of the judgmental monkey chatter upstairs has significantly reduced!
It seems to me that the lack of clarity I am sensing is exactly where I need to be to stop feeling like I need to “do” something. It is about surrender. It is about being present instead of in my head about the next thing. It is about acceptance instead of resistance. It is about receiving. It is about celebrating instead of noticing what’s “wrong”. It is about loving what is instead of fearing what isn’t. I guess I have more clarity than I thought!