Courageous is the soul who adventures into time and space to learn of their divinity.
For while they cannot lose, they can think they have,
and the loss will seem intolerable.
And while they cannot fail, they can think they have,
and the pain will seem unbearable.
And while they cannot ever be less than they truly are
– powerful, eternal, and loved –
they can think they are, and all hope will seem lost.
And therein lies their test.
A test of perceptions:
of what to focus on,
of what to believe in,
in spite of appearances.
(a.k.a Mike Dooley)
I had one doozey of a week last week. My major trifecta of fears came tearing into my life…and then one more was added…just for fun. I was at wits end. I was a sloppy mess of tears, sobbing and blabbering while Mike laid there next to me, holding me and probably desperately praying for some radical form of divine intervention to intercede on his behalf. I can’t say I would blame him for that. I was praying for some intervention myself, not to mention some answer to the seemingly cruel joke being played on me.
I of course know that there was no joke being played, but an invitation to look more deeply at some of the stories I continue to tell myself surrounding my fears. For example, I had to do some work around the idea of my ability to create financial abundance and that I am worthy of receiving financial abundance. I don’t need to rely on somebody else to offer that to me or to provide me with that sense of security. Yes, there is a whole financial element within a marriage, but this is deeper than that. I know I have the financial support necessary to sustain my well-being, but I am referring to trusting that my gifts are enough to create and sustain financial abundance. It is about seeing the truth of answering the call of my spirit and being in alignment with my life’s work as a healer and trusting in Divine support. This is big stuff in my world.
Another element hit on last week was connected to church and spirituality. There are so many pieces to this mosaic that it is easiest if I get to the lesson learned. Although I already did work around this in the past, there is still more to it all. I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m not quite done with this one yet. Anyway, I was noticing an increasing frustration with my responsibilities and chose to list them in my journal. I then took the list and applied every single one of those frustrations to myself and my spiritual work. Wow. Let’s just say that the resonance of truth from that exercise would’ve reverberated loudly in the marble floors and walls of any church! I need to honor the sacredness of the space (which I have come to understand as the space within me along with the physical body that creates that space) and allow for more quiet. My days may be full, but I am called to be consistent about offering quiet stillness. I need to respect that nudge from within and act lovingly on it, not get frustrated that there is one more thing to do, or I don’t have time, or….I also need to continually honor that how I choose to live my spiritual life isn’t going to look like anybody else’s. It is uniquely mine. It doesn’t need to fit within the structure of a certain spiritual path, guided by any singular form or book or teacher. I can learn and connect spiritually to a variety of resources and teachers and allow for the flexibility of change as my spiritual growth shifts and transforms. There is no right or wrong on the spiritual path. I simply need to honor what I most connect to and not worry about the rest. I also need to recognize that my connection within the structure is different within different activities. However, my call to be present during the moments of seemingly less connection are still of value and needed for those with whom I share the activity. There is a different purpose at various times that reach far beyond my knowing.
The food/eating element also came up for me last week. I have shared previously that my relationship with food (and my weight) is like a buoy in ocean water…sometimes it is calm and peaceful and sometimes it is out of control and I struggle to find peace. I’m still trying to figure out the underlying message with that one. Various ideas have come up but they don’t strike the “a-ha! That’s it!” chord. There’s obviously some resistance there for me (because that is such a surprise!) in which I haven’t allowed enough gentleness to see what truth lies behind the veil. All in Divine time…
The last aspect is one that I’m not quite brave enough to share “publicly”, but it was intensely traumatic for me. (No worries…I wasn’t in an accident, I’m not hurt, everyone is ok.) The trauma of it is connected to the level of intense fear and shame that I have held around this particular aspect for the greater portion of my life. I did some soul searching in my journal and allowed myself to see the depth of the fear and what was behind it all. In time, I will share more insight as it is appropriate and fitting. The extra gift I received from this was a very vivid dream last night (that actually woke me up in a sweat!). I woke up knowing that the dream was about acceptance of the fullness of me, merging the passion of my spiritual path with my human-ness…a creation of a new kind of oneness within me. It’s really difficult to put into words, but it was powerful. I can tell from where I am today that the shift is still in progress. Nothing seems totally familiar yet I know I’m still present with my day. It still blows my mind.
It really is a test of perceptions. I had to step into seeing what was behind all of the tough stuff last week to see what I was being called to pay attention to. I’m so grateful I did. The gifts are unending.