Faith
I was torn between using this quote of Saint Augustine and his message that we would not be searching if we had not already been found. Both of these invite me to simply sit and be…allowing the truth of the words to penetrate my heart center.
Let’s just start with faith alone. Faith: complete trust or confidence in someone or something; strong belief in God or the doctrines of a religion, based on a spiritual apprehension rather than proof. Faith, in and of itself, is an act of courageous vulnerability. Where does faith come from? How does one develop their faith in someone or something? These are seriously deep questions that could be separate blogs all on their own! Needless to say, faith requires surrender…on many levels.
I have been spending time with the concept of developing faith in myself-complete trust or confidence. There are areas in my world where this is not a challenge but an easy walk in the park. Then there are other areas where it is not quite so simple. I sometimes struggle most with having faith in my interpersonal skills with my friends, family or close acquaintances. Do I really have faith that I can be true to me in a variety of social settings without being completely self-aware and on alert for the socially awkward things I say or do? The short answer to that is no. I want so much to be able to surrender in any social setting and inexcusably be me. It’s really not that much to ask, is it? But I get so worried about what to say, what questions to ask, did I just say something that was unintentionally offensive, am I being too focused on answering their questions that I forget to ask questions of them in return and then sounding self-centered, am I being insensitive…it goes on. I find myself talking faster, sometimes louder or at a slightly higher pitch, and even interrupting when I really don’t mean to. I get nervous and antsy. I feel it all welling up on the inside but somehow manage to keep a cool outer cover. I guess I can have faith that my awkwardness won’t be apparent to others!
Yet having faith in my own self in these settings takes me to a deeper, more personal level. If I feel I have awkward interpersonal skills with people I am comfortable with, how does that reflect on my relationship with my Self? Can I have faith that I will be kind and compassionate in my awkward moments? Do I have faith in building my own relationship with me? Can I be with myself to ask questions and to explore the depths of me with curiosity and greater ease?
To ramp up the depth even more, this takes me to the space of exploring my willingness to be awkward in my relationship with Spirit. Am I able to build a relationship with an unseen “spirit”? Do I have faith in all that I have been taught to believe or have explored and experienced on my own? The answer to these questions is almost easier for me than the answers in regard to the relationship with myself. The answer is yes. Yes, I can and continually build a relationship with an unseen spirit. Why? Mostly because it feels real to me. Are there times when my faith is a little less certain? Yes. But in those moments, I’m reminded of the times that my faith was stronger and more sure and sustained me when I couldn’t sustain myself. And the incredible piece of it lies in the second half of the quote: “the reward of this faith is to see what you believe.” When my faith in Spirit is strong, I see Spirit everywhere, in everybody and everything. My faith in myself is renewed and stronger and I see myself, my awkwardness, my slip-ups and every other part of my being with different eyes. I see from a different perspective when I am more rooted in faith. Days flow with greater ease because I don’t feel like I have to know the answer to every single thing nor do I have to tend to everything in an instant. There is a different sense of presence around and within me. This is the embodiment of “We would not be searching if we had not already been found.”
I wouldn’t know what I’ve been missing without already experiencing it…