Paradox

 

The mark of a wild heart is living out the paradox of love in our lives.

It’s the ability to be tough and tender,

excited and scared,

brave and afraid-

all in the same moment.

~Brené Brown

 

 

This is exactly what I needed to connect with after last week. It brings everything back into a different place of balance; a different place of acceptance; a different place of allowing. My yin/yang flow (which I often refer to as my spirituality and my humanness) has been brought back into harmony.

 

Paradox is the perfect word to sum up what I have been experiencing and how I have been feeling. Everything I know to be true about my personal work was getting dammed up against fear and nothing was moving. The moment of clarity around this came when I was talking about jaw tension to one of my healers and I said, “It’s as if I’m not allowing myself to speak the truth while at the same time not allowing myself to speak non-truth.”

 

This quote certainly relates to connection to others, but at this moment in time, I’m finding it to resonate very strongly regarding connection to me. I am definitely more than capable of being tough with myself, but allowing the tenderness at the same time is quite a task. There is an element of knowing when to “rub some dirt on it” versus taking a break. Is my body telling me to slow down and rest or is ego dropping in for a visit and filling my head with monkey chatter nonsense? Where is the balance between the tough love nudge to keep going and accepting that continuing doesn’t mean pushing me beyond what I’m currently physically, mentally or emotionally capable of handling? When are my needs ‘legitimate’ versus whining because I’m tired?

 

This tough and tender paradox is a big one for me. I struggle with wanting to give voice to the pain I’m experiencing (which is predominantly physical these days) without it being interpreted as needing to get fixed, being restricted in activities or being close-minded in how to heal or ease the pain. So it begs the question, “What is my intention behind sharing this information?” This has been the question of the hour (for many hours on end these days!) for me. What do I hope to accomplish by sharing information? Am I seeking pity? Am I experiencing fear? Do I want someone else to take responsibility for what I’m experiencing? Am I expecting someone else to know my own needs better than I do and make everything better? There is a lot enmeshed in this one question and it has guided me through some of the thornier areas I’ve been experiencing.

 

I find that I’m faced with a variety of paradoxes every day, one of which is giving and receiving. Am I able to offer myself what I most need in any moment while also being open to receiving help or support? I’m not helpless, but that doesn’t mean I need to close the door to receiving. Am I able to ask for what I need while also being able to extend that same gift as generously to myself as I possibly can? Am I able to give myself words of support and compliments as well as receive them? There is so much to this concept that I could write for days!

 

It ultimately comes down to allowing the fullness of life to exist. Embrace the entire kaleidoscope of experiences and emotions and let those colors shine vibrantly. The paradox adds depth of experience and a richness that doesn’t happen when there is control or a desire for everything to be perfect. This quote is my reminder to ask the vital question: “What is my intention?” Insight will follow…