Strength

Perhaps I am stronger than I think.

Perhaps I am even afraid of my strength,

And turn it against myself,

Thus making myself weak.

Making myself secure.

Making myself guilty.

Perhaps I am most afraid of the strength of God in me.

Perhaps I would rather be guilty and weak in myself,

Than strong in Him whom I cannot understand.

~Thomas Merton

 

 

This is a powerful sentiment. I’m taking away the “perhaps”. I am stronger than I think. I choose to embrace my strength, and use it. I choose to be secure in my strength. I choose to honor my strength. There is no room for guilt or shame. I am in awe of the strength of Spirit in me. I am strong and courageous in the magnitude of Spirit whom I cannot always grasp.

 

As I continue to find my voice and be true to the strength, power and magnitude of me and of Spirit within me, many other lessons are presenting themselves. The first of which is that it makes others around me uncomfortable, to the point of heightened emotional responses when they experience or see their own weaknesses. My intention is not to bring that out, but it simply happens as a result of the higher vibration energetically and the ensuing call to integrity. Within this discomfort, I need to continue to stay grounded and be present in my truth. I need to breathe and remember not to take it personally. I need to allow their response to happen while honoring my boundaries and standing up for myself. I need to see past their words and acknowledge that fear triggered the response, not me. I need to pause, seek support and discernment from Spirit, and then carry on. This is how I strengthen my “in alignment” muscle. Since I’m still in training, the emotional responses still happen, shake me up a bit and knock me a little off-kilter. The good news is that the ‘recovery’ time is much faster.

 

I don’t even know how to explain the amount of spiritual strength and courage it takes to be passionately on this path of personal growth and then to LIVE IN THE AWARENESS every moment of every day. Sometimes I simply amaze myself. There are plenty of days where things are fluid and easy and the occasional bump is a love nudge reminder to stay present and mindful. There are actually more of those days than their counterpart. When the terrain is rugged, overshadowed and confining…hang on! But this is exactly where another lesson comes into play: Ask Spirit for help. Admit that things are overwhelming and feel like too much to handle on my own. I can admit to the occasional struggle in acknowledging that I don’t feel I can handle something on my own. The surrender piece is can be a little tricky sometimes. However, I have never been abandoned by Spirit. I was in emotional pain this morning and the moon was still bright when I went out to get the paper. I stopped in my driveway, took in the moon, took in the stars, took in the hint of the sunrise over the treetops and simply said, “Help me.” I took a nice deep breath, savored the beauty of the transition between night and day, drew the connection to me experiencing the transition between shadow and light and went in the house. I had a healthy emotional release and feel as though I went to bed, got a little more sleep and have a fresh start to the day (which is a bonus since it is my birthday!). I am continually being reborn and so grateful for each experience.

 

This path also reminds me to be consciously aware of what I say and how I say it. The inner wounds creep into words and the energy behind them. This is a lot of what I am experiencing with some personal relationships. The awareness of the power of words is not as wide spread as it ought to be. Words create. Words destroy. The energy behind the words can also create or destroy. I am often teased when I rephrase something to be more accurate. For example, if I say I can’t do something, I will rephrase it and say that I choose not to, which is much more accurate. In the process, I maintain my power. It is my choice not to do something. There may be external elements that make it less realistic, but it is still my choice. I have been doing this since my divorce in 2006. I’m not letting words get in the way anymore. I speak my truth. I say what I mean. I continually claim my power. I refuse to let anyone else twist and contort the truth of who I am into something ugly and repulsive. I choose to love myself enough to speak my truth.

 

I claim my strength. I am stronger than I think. I choose to be secure in my strength. I choose to honor my strength. I am in awe of the strength of Spirit in me. I am strong and courageous in the magnitude of Spirit.