I wish someone had told me this simple but confusing truth:

Even when everything’s going your way,

You can still be sad.

Or anxious.

Or uncomfortably numb.

Because you can’t always control your brain

or your emotions

even when things are perfect.”

~Jenny Lawson

 

 

These past few weeks have embraced so much of this idea. Things are flowing beautifully in my world, especially with my healing business, yet I feel strangely detached with a strong desire to be alone with my crystals, my journal and my piano. It seems so counterintuitive to me, yet it is what I have been experiencing.

 

As synchronicity works, I received an e-zine of a magazine that I have never heard of nor remember signing up for. As I was scrolling down through the articles covered, I came across “Embracing Change-Symptoms of Transformation” by Angel Carlton. Sure enough, it contained some timely affirmations that what I’m experiencing is not crazy or rare…but very natural. There are plenty of nuggets included in the article, but some of the ones that really stood out to me for my current process are:

 

*Feeling disconnected from the “norm” and a sense of not belonging

*A strong desire to be alone and self-reflect; isolation

*An attraction toward books or other material on holistic/spiritual/metaphysical topics

*”Coincidences” occur more regularly

*You feel an urge for a fresh start

*A sharpened sense of self-awareness

*Close relationships feel “off” or unfulfilling

 

It certainly doesn’t surprise me that all of this is so interconnected with the feelings of sadness mixed in with all of the really beautiful unfolding. Although it is not uncommon for me to feel like I don’t belong, it’s different when I’m in the midst of a transformation. I don’t even feel like I fit in with my like-minded friends. I typically don’t want to do things because I don’t feel like wanting to talk to other people about what’s going on with me. I’m happy to share the growth of my healing work, but then I’d be at a loss for anything else to talk about and when I’m in this space, I’m a poor conversationalist. I talk about what is on the surface and then struggle to even ask questions to engage the other person. It’s like I shut down from the ability to connect. It’s odd and quite distressing at times.

 

As I previously mentioned, when I am in this space, I want my crystals, my journal and my piano. I want to connect to me. I want an inspirational book that offers nuggets for me to process and meditate on. I want to be free of obligation to other people and any other responsibility. I want to stop watching the clock and paying attention to time, always noting how much time I have before I am expected somewhere or to do something.

 

The “coincidences”, such as the unfamiliar, unsubscribed for e-zine that appeared in my inbox, are certainly more frequent. Events happen and people show up and it is all part of the bigger plan. One thing I am very grateful for during this time is my heightened awareness of these occurrences. I pay attention and notice how things “fall” into place.

 

My urge for a fresh start comes in the area of my personal life. It’s not about wanting anything different than what I have, I simply feel like I need to erase the board and start over. Clear the path from the other stuff that didn’t work and let it go. Leave it all behind. Sometimes there are people involved in the thought process of letting go, too; people who don’t seem to understand why I do what I do or are critical because of their own fears and inhibitions. I sometimes find myself with a strong need to purge more of my belongings and/or add some new elements to my wardrobe. I’ve been purging like crazy all year, but I ventured into a very new realm yesterday. I took the bait and followed my curiosity about Stitch Fix. I give them my measurements and style tastes and either schedule to receive clothes at certain intervals or do a “fix” on demand. There’s free shipping both on the initial shipment as well as what is sent back (in a prepaid envelope that comes with everything) and  a $20 stylist fee that gets deducted from the price of anything I choose to keep. I’m so disjointed that I don’t even know what appeals to me when I go to a store! So somebody else is going to do it for me. I’ll do it this one time and see how things go. Why not? It certainly can’t hurt!

 

The self-awareness in this transformation is tricky because it can easily fall into self-judgment, which it has. The self-awareness can ultimately be an incredible teacher because I notice what is coming up for me and have a conscious choice of either repeating the old, familiar pattern or doing something different, more in alignment with my heart center. It sometimes feels like a spiritual test to see what I’ve learned and what I’m able to implement. I guess that, in and of itself, is a telling sign of where I am these days…feeling a bit like I need to prove myself…to myself.

 

It is really disconcerting when close relationships feel ‘off’ or unfulfilling. I want to be able to talk to those close to me about what is going on, be it my husband or my close friends, but I struggle to find the words to articulate what is going on, the self-awareness can lead to self-consciousness about what I’m trying to explain and I find that the desire for isolation gets me to a more guarded heart-space, preventing me from stepping into the vulnerability of connecting with my closest people. I see the pattern and need to be gentle with myself because it is a part of the process. I do sense that part of it is a bit of avoidance, though. It’s easy to do mental criticizing of those close to me and think that they wouldn’t understand instead of getting up to my elbows in the grit of it all and touch the edges of the pain. Pema Chödrön cuts straight to the chase when she says, “We try to use our spiritual training to avoid the queasy feeling in our gut.” Hmmm…I think she has something there!

 

Regardless, this roller coaster is not nearly as fun as the ones I used to ride when I was younger. Maybe I need to embrace that childhood experience and simply laugh and giggle when my tummy turns upside down, I can’t see where I’m going and I have no control…

Posted in Transformation