Attention

The inability to pay attention or be present is one of growing concern for me, both from what I witness as well as what I experience. I’m not an innocent bystander by any means. I know that when I am feeling the least bit distracted by whatever…to-do list…emotions…stress…I am less attentive and present to who or what is in front of me. I also find that to be true if someone is saying something I don’t agree with or feels somewhat like a personal attack, I close down the opportunity to connect and to hear what is being said.

I find this tendency to be frustrating when I catch myself engaged in it. I know to breathe and ground myself in a space of self-acceptance so the words won’t trigger the shut down, but it’s not always so easy to catch and redirect. What I do need to remember is to be gentle with myself when this happens. It’s the reminder that this lesson presented itself because it still needs to be integrated within. My ‘knowing’ it doesn’t make it practiced and automatic. My practicing makes it so. And, ironically enough, the only way to practice it is to pay attention and be present. If I am able to pay attention to another who is sharing something other than what I believe, regardless of the topic, there is emotional safety…keeping everything in a calm, trusting, open space.

The concept of paying attention to another is also critical in the day to day experiences of connecting with those in our life. It’s not just about conflicting ideas or beliefs, it’s about connecting…period. When I share something with a friend, family member, my spouse or whomever else, I tend to seek a response. I have been told that this tendency of mine is “unlike anybody I’ve ever met”, yet it rings true for so many people. If what I share is unmet, my response is to stop talking. Occasionally I might give a nudge for an answer and rarely, though often tempted, give a sarcastic response. But my go-to response is silence. It doesn’t matter who I am with. I do the same if I am interrupted for a casual conversation completely unrelated to the current conversation. And this is all part of my work.

Because of my sensitivity around this, I tend to be very aware when I’m not paying attention to someone else talking. I call myself out, apologize and ask them to repeat themselves. This doesn’t excuse my lack of attention, but I am aware enough to re-open the door. (I even own up when I run out of brain space and forget…)

Someday, I will be able to be so grounded in self-acceptance that it won’t matter if someone responds or not. If they don’t want to engage in the experience, I will live. I haven’t been proven wrong yet. My desire to share doesn’t have to be met…I want it to be met…I hold an expectation for that connection…which isn’t fair for anyone.

Eventually the greater whole will live and lead from a space of love far more often than connecting to fear.

Fear keeps us from connecting.

Fear keeps us from paying attention.

Fear invites the "fixer".

Fear prevents empathy from existing.

All I can do is start with me…and invite you to start with you.

Lead with love.

Pay attention.

Connect.

Experience empathy.

Every single one of us deserves it.