I’m Open!

Whatever we are waiting for

– peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance –

it will surely come to us,

but only when we are ready to receive it

with an open and grateful heart.

~Sarah Ban Breathnach

 
Each day holds a surprise.

But only if we expect it can we see, hear, or feel it when it comes to us.

Let’s not be afraid to receive each day’s surprise,

whether it comes to us as sorrow or as joy.

It will open a new place in our hearts.

~Henri Nouwen

 

In this season of giving, I am being reminded to receive. I find that I make excuses as to why I shouldn’t receive, mostly from the space of not wanting to inconvenience someone else or be seen as someone to pity. I do know the falseness of these thoughts, but it is the roller coaster I ride.

 

I’ll start with the seemingly simple concept of receiving a compliment. I am much more consistent with my ability to receive a compliment, but I still can poo-poo one if that’s the mood I’m in. I have been paying attention to the response of others, too, when I give a compliment. Sometimes there’s disbelief (no, do you really think so?), sometimes it is a negative to counter it (I’ve had this for years…it’s so old.) and sometimes there’s even the compulsive need to give a compliment in return. It continues to fascinate me how the act of receiving kind words can create discomfort.

 

Next I’ll move onto receiving nurturing. I was experiencing some pretty intense lower back pain on Monday, to the point that I got my heating pad in the middle of a piano lesson with the student at the bench! I simply couldn’t find a comfortable position and every gesture I made was uncomfortable. I had intended on reading a bit before going to sleep that night and Mike asked if I wanted him to rub my back. My first thought was that I didn’t want to inconvenience him since he was already tucked into bed. My actual response was along the lines of, “It is important for me to learn how to receive, so, yes. Thank you.” If I would’ve said no, it would’ve been like rejecting his offer to take care of me.

 

Then there is the process of receiving a gift for no special reason. With our current life situation, I find it more difficult to receive a gift of financial substance because I don’t want to feel like I’m being pitied. I grapple with self-judgment and the ability to receive like I’m doing a coin toss at the start of a sporting event. I know the gift is being given from a space of love, but my own self-judgment (and admitted stubbornness) can interfere. I want to be able to embrace the gift with the same open heart in which it was given…without feeling like I need to repay and do something in return. This area is still very much a work in progress.

 

I had a really incredible experience around receiving this morning. I was struggling with a decision regarding an email request. And I mean struggling. I knew I needed to get beyond the conflict because it was consuming me and I had clients coming. My effort to talk through it with Mike didn’t go as anticipated, which only increased my frustration. So I took out my journal and started, “I really need your help right now. I have a lot of s*** to release.” As I was writing, Mike came in, gave me a hug, I cried and blubbered about the failed attempt at talking through it and then he went on about me choosing to value and honor myself. There was more than that, but those two words-value and honor-were exactly what I needed to hear. I asked for help, kept an open heart, and my prayer was answered. The blessing of asking and receiving.

 

Receiving is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of allowing yourself to be nurtured by others. It is a gift for the giver as well as the receiver. Keep that in mind. Remember how it feels when you are able to offer a gift to another person, regardless of the gift (self, time, money, etc.). The act of receiving is an act of communion and connection; the willingness to be seen in the truth of the moment, even if it is an uncomfortable moment for you. It is a daily practice that gets easier with regular attention. There are many miracle or surprise moments in every day. Open your heart. Receive them.